Dear Dave-I Miss You Brother
81
I Miss you Brother
Dear Dave, I've been thinking about you more than usual lately because you would've turned the big "50" on January 8. It's hard to fathom you've been gone for ten years already. I've been trying to write you for some time but I guess I wasn't ready until now. So many feelings come up in me and I think of what you could have been if it wasn't for that insidious disease that crippled you and took your mind, body and soul prisoner.
We were very close in childhood and well into our twenties. You, Laura and I, pretty much did everything together because you were only a year older. The three of us even looked alike and had many things in common, especially our love of music. Laura and I loved when you called us on stage to sing with you and the band or jammed with our friends. That is, until alcohol started to pull us apart. Your drinking changed you. Your sweetness, charm, intelligence and incredible talents started to fade away as your alcoholism progressed. You even turned your back on your beloved passion and true love of your life. The guitar was always a part of you and when you put it away, I knew you were losing your greatest joy in life. To me, this was when I knew you were giving up and alcohol was winning the battle.
Those last ten years of your life were painful for you and difficult for loved ones to watch. I will never forget the night I was watching the local news and there you were. Your mug shot reflected a sad man that had lost his soul. Your physical body was there but your true being had gone somewhere else. Your eyes were now hollow and desperate. You were driving home from your job at the airport after putting in a full day. You were pulled over because of reckless driving and given a breathalyzer test. Your blood alcohol was a shocking .43. The police found luggage in your back seat that you'd stolen from baggage claim. There were those who were insensitive and callous and asked if I was embarrassed about your latest escapade. I told them in no uncertain terms that "I was not embarrassed, just grateful that my brother was still alive." I knew then as I'd known for years, that this disease had a hold on you and may cause you to die early, just like mom. You tried sobering up and voluntarily entered treatment three times but you'd eventually succumb to your craving and addiction for alcohol.
Your roommate of many years, finally had enough. She kicked you out, knowing she was enabling you and your drinking. She was in love with you, even though she knew you weren't in love with her. For you, she was a friend and a place to lay your head. She would fill the refrigerator with beer and make sure to keep it restocked to keep you happy. It was a toxic and co-dependent relationship yet she found the courage and strength to let it go.
You now found yourself living on the streets and eventually moved into a homeless shelter. Several months later you qualified for a place to live. It was a stable apartment downtown, serving those who were deemed homeless.
I received the dreaded call I'd always feared would come. It was your older sister, wailing on the other end, trying to get the words out. "A policeman just came to my door Linda. He is dead, David is dead."
No one had seen or talked to you in a few days and became worried. When the landlord walked into your apartment, he saw you lying in bed. You were fully dressed, you even had your shoes on. You died due to an overdose of oxycontin and alcohol. You were thirty-nine years old, the same age mom died of alcoholism.
Our cousin Mike told us at the funeral that he bumped into you, just a week before you died. He had no idea the healing he provided, telling us that you'd recently taken out your guitar again. I believe God knew you needed to play before you died.
P.S. I know we didn't talk much those last years but it was too painful for me. I had to set limits and take care of myself, especially when you'd call me drunk and get verbally abusive. I know now that your in heaven, you understand why I had to sever ties. I loved you David, it was the behavior from the addiction I hated. I dream of you often and like having that time with you. In my dreams, your healthy as a horse and not addicted to alcohol. It's just you and me, the way we used to be before you got so sick.
P.S.S. I love you and miss you brother. Happy 50th birthday.
© 2012 Linda Rogers
Thanks Bro for Telling me what Video you Wanted
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Have you experienced the pain of losing a sibling
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I had no idea. I suspected you and your sis had some trials in your lives as is often the case when carrier choices involve Mental Health. Good has come from these horrible experiences by all of the help that you both give, but I realize that is small solace when you lose two such important people to this insidious disease.
I'm glad you were able to write this and have a small inkling how difficult it was to do. I hope, as Sharon does, that someone reads this and benefits from the pain and suffering your family went through.
You have written a very moving and heart rending hub which I am sure will touch the hearts of all who read it. Mr Happy said "We are all One", in a recent comment on another hub that made me remember it when you said "You were thirty-nine years old, the same age mom died of alcoholism".
Sometimes the connections are so strong that the subconscious forces that propel us to do the things we do are greater than our own conscious desires.
I am sure that your brother is reading your hub through each of us and will be feeling the love you have sent him in this beautiful hub. Thank you.
I am happy that your brother is with You in Spirit. There are things he can say now, being free of the fire-water and any perceived illness. Hence the dreams. He loves You.
In Spirit we are all One.
Much love. Thank You.
Addiction is such a vicious disease. It takes the mind, the heart and the soul prisoners, and not everyone can find the key. The other victims are the loved ones of the addict. It took such courage to write this hub, and I am happy to know that David is with you in spirit. Bless you. :-)
Wow--what a powerful post. Watching a loved one go through addiction is really hard..and we do what we need to do to cope. I'm so sorry you've lost your brother--he was so young!! HUGS to you Linda-- I'm glad you finally wrote him this letter. Cheers, Jenn.
Your writing reflects so much sincerity that I feel overwhelmed with emotions each time I read your hubs.
This is yet another one of your awe inspiring piece, sorry for your loss my friend. Stay put, stay tight.
Sharyn-It is my hope that my story about Dave can help those that suffer with this crummy disease. Dave tried a few times to sober up but he just couldn't do it for the long haul. I know he's at peace now and not having to deal with the addiction that kept him miserable. I really appreciate you taking time to read my hub. It took me ten years to write but better late than never.
I feel your pain in your letter. I'm so sorry. Alcoholism is such a dreadful disease. Thank you for sharing your family pictures. I hope by writing this letter you find a more perfect peace..Blessings my friend..
Hi Pooh-It's really nice to see you here :-) Yes, it took me ten years to be ready to write about Dave. I was pretty angry the last years of his life and I had to go through different stages of grief when he died. It's been a journey to say the least but I'm at a pretty good place with Dave and I today. I know his addiction had nothing to do with me and my family. He loved us but the alcohol became number one in his life. I do hope I can reach other addicts and family members of addicts that don't know what to do. Your coming by and reading this, means a great deal to me. Your right that sis and I got into the mental health field because of the difficulties we've faced in this life. It helps so much to write about the struggles and knowing it may reach someone that needs to read it. Blessings Pooh.
Dear Spirit Whisperer-Your heartfelt comments always bring me such comfort. You are so wise about the whole unconscious and how we tend to repeat patterns. We all have the power to overcome family patterns and make better choices. I know by the end of Dave's life, he was beyond that but at a certain point, we do have the strength to go down a better road. The saddest thing about Dave is that God gave him so many incredible talents. He was so funny he could've been a comedian. He was a musical genius. He could pick up any instrument and play it since he was a young boy. It use to freak my mom out. He was the lead guitarist in his band/bands and lead singer as his voice was amazing. He was smart, charming...I could go on and on. When Dave would go into treatment and we'd tell him that he had more gifts than any of us siblings put together, he would get upset. I think it made him feel pressure to add up but that's not what our intention was. He was just so blessed with so many talents that most of us only dream of. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming by and giving me your caring words of support. I am so blessed to have met you here on HubPages.
Dear Mr. Happy-I have goosebumps from your words of wisdom that "we are all one." It is so true and I agree that David can now be with me in my dreams as a whole being without the monkey on his back and painful addiction. In my dreams he looks so angelic and healthy and happy. It's very healing for me.
I couldn't have said it better Genna. Alcoholism or any drug addiction can rob you of everything you are. David lost his true self years before he died. Seeing him on the local news and that mug shot was Very painful. He looked dead already and it scared me so much. I knew he was at the end of his life because he was in the last stages of alcoholism. I hope this hub can help addicts and family members of addicts. I have done a lot of healing but anger was something I really had to work through for quite a while.
Hi Jenn-Ya, addiction stinks! Losing my mom in 4th grade and then my brother has sure tested me. I've learned so much with these struggles and hopefully I can help others who are either addicted or living with a loved one with addiction. It was no accident that sis and I ended up in the mental health field. It was partly our way to work through the pain and grief. Thanks for reading Jenn-I really appreciate it :-)
Dear Chinemeremz-Thanks for your warm and complimentary comment. I like to write from the heart and keep it real. I feel that is the best way to heal and keep the reader interested. I think it also comes from the obstacles I've faced in life. Life is short and living fully includes saying it like it is. :-) Blessings friend
So nice to see you here, always exploring. Writing this letter was very healing for me and it was just the right time. It took ten years to get here but it feels really good to just put it out there. I know Dave is cool with it too now that he's in a better place.
MT, There is such a disconnect for creative people between the world which exists in their hearts and the world of "normal life" in which they are expected to live. They may move in the world of concrete and time machines but they live and have their being in the creativity of their hearts. It is sad to see their creativity shattered by "therapeutic" adjuncts to which they turn to get them through the two realities, the one of their hearts and the one imposed by daily life.
What does this line mean before the Led Zeppelin song: "Thanks bro for telling me what video you wanted."
Hi Stessily-Life was really hard for Dave. He seemed to take mom's death the hardest and was such an artistic guy. He hit the drugs and alcohol very young. I think he was in about 6th grade-A year after mom's death. At first his partying was the normal rebellious stuff but eventually it snow balled into a full-blown chronic disease. Regarding the video: I couldn't figure out what video to upload for Dave and I was thinking on the lines of something kinda sad. I went to bed that night before I published the hub and Dave told me to play one of his favorite songs which he played and sang beautifully. Here I was thinking some sappy tribute song until Dave came to me in my dream. He's been in my dreams more than ever lately and I'm lovin it. I think Dave knows I've done a lot of healing and I won't be too hard on him in the dream. Hee hee-In the past, I was really giving it to him. :-0
MT, "Stairway to Heaven" is a lovely choice; I can see why Dave chose it. Much love and healing and forgiveness seem to flow from your family, especially through dreams. I'm reminded of Isaiah 30:15: "In returning and rest you shall be saved."
Thank you for sharing these memories, which are healing for all.
This hub full with "love" and how you care with your brother. I learn many things from this hub and your spirit in share love will never end...amen. Thank you very much. God bless you!
Prasetio
Thanks again Stessily-Your warm comments and the time you've taken to read my work, means a lot to me. Thanks for sharing that wonderful scripture too-it's very comforting.
Prasetio-Only one with a beautiful heart could say such wonderful things about a piece of writing. God has given you such a lovely spirit and soul. I am so glad I met you on Hubpages. Blessings back to you my friend :-)
Minnetonka Twin, What a compassionately balanced, honest, revelatory tribute to your brother! The photos are so heart-warmingly indicative of the emotional links which unite siblings who ultimately are companion souls in their understanding of each other. The Led Zeppelin song is a dramatically effective way of remembering your brother.
Thank you for sharing, voted up + all,
Derdriu
This was such a Beautiful and Moving Tribute to your Brother Dave, Minnetonka Twin. I could feel your pain, having lost a Beautiful Niece to her addiction, Drugs. She too was such a Talented Artist. Hopefully they are now safe from harm, and Happy in that place we call Heaven.
Thanks for your kind comments about my tribute to my brother. I appreciate it Derdriu :- Dave loved Led Zeppelin and played and sang his music really well. I love your vocabulary and all your knowledge. I'm going to learn so much from you.
b.Malin-That's what helps me through it-knowing their in heaven, at peace and out of pain. I am so sorry about your niece. Addiction stinks! Thanks so much for coming by.
Hi, Alcohol addiction is a horrible thing to catch hold of someone, I lost my best friend last year because of it, so I understand your pain because of this, Dave would be so proud to see this lovely piece that you wrote about him, take care nell
Thanks very much Nell. I am really sorry to hear of your loss as well. It's so painful and hard to watch someone you love get so pulled in from this disease. God Bless friend.
Such a beautiful picture of your brother and such a sad story. I lost a brother David whose birthday was on Jan 9. Never a birthday goes by I don't remember and I am sure it is the same with you. May God give you peace when you remember him.
Wow Jackie, we sadly have a lot in common. I am so sorry for your loss too. I do think of Dave a lot but especially on his birthday. Me and my twin sister's birthday is Jan. 13, not long after his. I really thank you for reading this story. It's sad but I know his story may help someone out there whose struggling.
Minnetonka...this was very powerful. I am so very sorry you were robbed of the last years of your brother's life. Sometimes I can see that people's addictions are much stronger than the person is and it is a terrible waste.
I hope that you keep on having and enjoying those beautiful dreams about the good times together:) I know how good those feel when you miss someone who has passed on. It is awesome:) Voted way way up.
Hi RealHouseWife and thanks for voting on this hub. Ya, addiction stinks and I wish I didn't have to lose a brother and mom to this disease. I do love having the nice dreams about both of them. Thanks so much for reading my tribute and story about Dave.
I read this when you first published it but was too overcome with emotion to leave a comment at that time. My situation with my own brother was eerily similar to what you've outlined here. He too, succombed to alcoholism and died just before his 45th birthday. That was over 10 years ago and my sister and I still call each other each year on what would have been his birthday.
He was so bright, talented and full of life and fun as a child but there was much pain during his years of alcohol abuse and it was always hard to walk the line between trying to be there for him and staying away from him for our own mental health.
Fortunately a friend of his notified us of his last hospitalization (my brother did not want us notified because he was ashamed because he'd once again failed in his efforts for rehab) and when we learned his condition was terminal we were able to be there at his bedside every day for the last week of his life and we were even able to facilitate a "reunion" with his 18 year old daughter who had been estranged from him for a number of years. Both his daughter, and myself were with him when he peacefully died.
Thanks for sharing this intimate information on Hub Pages.
Voted up across the board except for funny.
It's funny I should come upon this hub at this place in time. Over the last several months I've been dealing with a dear friend who has been struggling with drugs and alcohol most of his adult life. His father died when he was very young. His mother died several years ago, followed by his only sister who drank herself to death. His parents were only children so he has no cousins or aunts and uncles. The loneliness is only making recovery harder. He has placed himself in rehab over and over again, only to fail within weeks. Being familiar with Bipolar Disorder, I took him to the emergency room at the Veteran's Hospital. After all these years of failure, he's been diagnosed as Bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies. (no, I'm not that brilliant. He was just that obvious) He is still struggling with his illness due to a need to find the correct medications and amounts, but eventually it is thought that he will be able to spend more of his life sober and clean, though occasional relapses are known to happen with the disorder. I pray that he will not become another statistic.
Thank you for writing such a moving tribute to your brother.
Oh my happyboomernurse-I am so choked up reading the story of your brother. Our brothers did have so much in common, it's spooky. What really pains me is how the disease brings on such shame. I am so glad his friend called you, so you could all get some closure and let him know you loved him despite the chaos of the addiction. Being able to be with him in his last days is a blessing and I am so happy for you and your family for getting that. Although I was estranged from David for my own sanity, I still have some guilt. I just wish I could have had some closure with him like you did. I have to believe it all happened the way it was meant to. I do treasure the dreams of David and some of the visits he's made to our family. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story as I know it wasn't easy for you. I'm giving you a big Hub Hug right now.
Terri-I'm glad that your friend has you in this crazy world. It's a blessing that he has finally been given a diagnosis so he can be on medication to help some of the behaviors from bi-polar and schizophrenia. I can't imagine that he has gone all this time, struggling and not knowing the root cause of his problems. I have to wonder if his sister also had this diagnosis. It's so sad! I will hope and pray that your friend will find the right medications that will give him some peace and sobriety. God Bless you for sharing this story. I think it helps to talk about the struggles in life so we all know we aren't alone.
Such an informative and caring hub. It was so wonderful to read!
As always MT, very deep. Your character shines bright in all your articles I must say. You have such a big heart. The world would be so much better with just one more of you MT. Your a kind soul who deserves nothing but the best. Very thoughtful just as you are. Great work and I wish you all the best friend.
Thanks acaetnna for reading my tribute to my dear brother. It felt healing to get it off my chest.
lyricwriter-Your comment was so lovely and thoughtful. I really appreciate the time and energy you take to give me heartfelt feedback. It means alot to me :-)
This has left a lump in my throat. So sorry for all of the pain that you felt when your brother was alive and suffering from alcoholism. It is so nice that you are seeing Dave in your dreams. I am seeing my family that way also and it brings comfort to me.
Forgot to mention...you have some nice pictures and just continue to relish the memories of the happy times, as I know that you do.
Thanks Peggy. Yes, the dreams of David are really good now. When he first died the dreams were pretty dark but now he looks great and we enjoy being with each other again. Glad you liked the pictures. The process of writing this hub and digging through old pictures was very therapeutic and healing for me. Thanks so much Peggy for reading my tribute to Dave :-)
Isn't it wonderful that we have our dreams! I would like to think that they are communicating with us in that way until we too cross over into the next life where we can be together again.
I like to think that too Peggy. I know how great it feels to have those dreams.
My Dear New Friend,What a sad way to meet. I'm so sorry about your brother. My son would also be 50 this year. He was shot to death at the age of 27. I share those times with you. We never stop missing them, but God does comfort the greaver in time.
My youngest girls are also twins and have that special bond that you and 2win2 have shared your whole lives. One of my twins is now the mother of 2wins.
I look forward to reading more of your hubs. Vote up+. Kay
I am so sorry Kay that we have the losses in common. Your son and my brother are the same age :-0 I knew from your bio that you have had quite a journey. Were both survivors and that makes us deep new friends. Thanks for sharing Kay.
I would love to share this with my clients. I am a Substance Abuse Counselor/Pastoral Counselor. I am trained to work with people who abuse drugs and alcohol. Drugs don't care who you are or how much money you have. God Bless you always... I have missed you!
I would be very open and happy to have you share the story of my dear brother. I hope that my tribute to Dave can help others that are struggling with any addiction. There is hope to heal but unfortunately it didn't work for my brother. He went through treatment a few times. You are so right. Addiction can hit anyone at any time. My brother's life had so much promise but the alcohol and drug addiction ruined many of his dreams. He once shared with me and his other siblings that his life was like "walking through muck." He had a very hard life. I know he is at peace but miss him so much!
You were able to write this about your brother, you were able to tell him you loved him. Your amazing courage in doing so, releases a small bit of the pain to the universe.
You are right mockbird-I guess I have done some healing for this. I really appreciate your support and kind words for me.
I loved this truly beautiful hub. it is so precious for us to keep the memories of our loved ones alive and you are certainly doing so.
Take care my friend and thank you for sharing this gem.
Eddy.
Thanks so much Eddy for reading my tribute to Dave. Memories are what keep me going for sure. Great to see you here my friend :-)
Beautiful, completely beautiful. Memories should always be treasured.
Thanks acaetnna-It was time to get it off my chest and I feel much better now. I miss him dearly but he is still in my heart. Thanks for dropping in :-)
Minnetonka Twin, Hearfelt & beautiful! This will help many! You have painfully and wonderfully expressed the anguish of losing a sibling! Abuse of Drugs & Alcohol continues to take many casualties... Your love for your brother is touching and the lingering grief evident! Setting healthy boundaries was a further display of your love. Continue to cherish the good memories! You now carry him in your heart! Thank You for sharing, In HIS Love, Grace, Mercy, Peace & Blessings to You!
Dearest DeBorrah-I can't tell you how comforting your words were for me regarding..."setting healthy boundaries was a further display of your love." I have dealt with some guilt about it because I am a loving person. Being in the mental health field, I knew in my head (logically) that I had to set boundaries but my heart ached when I did so. One thing that helps me is knowing that I often told him that I loved him and would love to talk when he was sober. He would usually get very verbally abusive when I did this and I would hang up. Unfortunately, there weren't many times he was sober the last years where he could take me up on my offer. Thanks for making my soul sing tonight with your peaceful and loving spirit. You always make me feel better DeBorrah. God Bless you my friend.
I am so sorry you had to go through that dreadful time with David. At least he found peace in the end.
I lost my brother David, 18 months ago. Live seems empty without him , Joyce.
So Sorry to hear of your loss Joyce. I can relate to that feeling of life feeling empty. Kind of strange we both lost our David's. I know our brothers are in heaven and at peace.
My Dearest Linda, WOW, This will not be a lyrical response because as I was reading this hub I was struck by the similarities of our lives. I had a Brother named David who died in a drowning accident. My wife is a cancer survivor. We both love poetry. I wrote a hub to my brother. We have so much in common. Wow, is all I want to say.
If you want to give me your thoughts it would be great, in fact I would welcome them for I am just amazed at how we have come to each other. I do believe in fate, that things and people are meant to happen and that the timing of all things, are connected to actions and reactions. Well enough of that.
love you always.
Michael
Michael-That is really crazy all the similarities in our lives. I am so sorry to hear you also lost a brother and that your wife is a cancer survivor. Now wonder we both love poetry. It gets out all our emotions, good and bad. You and I are survivors, that's the bottom line my friend. I am glad I met you here as you understand what it's like to go through tough situations in life. How is your wife doing?? please let me know. I'm 8 years cancer-free at this point and the odds of mine coming back is very low now. Thank you for sharing so much with me Michael, I appreciate it.
My Dearest linda, My wife is doing great. the doctors are amazed that she came back so soon. she quit drinking soda, only drinks water and eats only fruits and veggies.
i come from a background of only tough situations. If I told you everything I would have to kidnap you and kill you.!!LOL
I am so glad that you are sooo doing good now. Thank the lord for now you will always be in my prayers.
Love you always
Michael
You are so kind Michael-thanks for the prayers :-)
What kind of cancer did your wife have if it's ok to ask?
BTW, I come from a tough background too so no need to hurt me. LOL
My dearest Linda, I'm not that sure of the technical name because she doesn't like to talk about it to me. it was breast cancer but her sister said the doctor told her it was the weakest kind that there was, and it was curable . so thank god for that. I was just joking (my sick sense of humor) about killing you. I was taught by my mother to NEVER hit a woman. I am a lover not a fighter , but only with women.I love the female species. I guess thats why I write my poems to all women in general. Ha, Ha, but don't tell nobody.
Love you Always
Michael.
Dear Michael-I sooo know your a lover and not a fighter and knew you were being funny. I had to laugh about you saying, "I write my poems to only women but don't tell anybody." All of us on Hubpages know that you appreciate women and it's no secret my friend. LOL I am relieved to hear that your wife had a very weak and curable cancer. Breast cancer is very curable if found in time and it sounds like that's the case here. Hope your having a great weekend you awesome lover of women!!! P.S. Glad to hear your mama taught you well. I couldn't imagine you being anything but kind to a woman. You are all Heart!
Oh so sad.. I am so sorry for you.. I hate alcohol addition.. it destroys lives.. what a great letter you wrote to your brother.
Bless you
Debbie
Hi Deborah-Yes,this disease stinks!! I really miss my brother, mother and father. Writing this letter to Dave was very healing for me.
Sharyn's Slant Level 7 Commenter 3 months ago
Hi Linda,
Addiction sucks and I understand what it is like to fear that dreaded phone call. Thank you so much for sharing your personal journey. I hope in some way, pieces like this trigger others to get the help that they need and deserve.
Sharyn